i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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