nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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