Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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