My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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