So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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