I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
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Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
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Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive