i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
