His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.