DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.