ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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