I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
