I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
