broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
