Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
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I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
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Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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