who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Girls should come with a carfax report
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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