I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
