I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
