I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
