He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
