I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
