You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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