Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
her vagine was all disorganized.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Vodka?
Forever.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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