My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
