is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
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some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
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i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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