how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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