In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
