My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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