At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
