So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Potential corruption. He's 19.
Get them while they're young!
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
