I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
