He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
