capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize