I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
