i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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