there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
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