I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
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