True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?