Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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