I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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