if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
