If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
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Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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