my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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