Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
