clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
