do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
