My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
