She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
