the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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