evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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