i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
