i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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