so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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