I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
