6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
