her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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