her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
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