i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Randomize
