I cockslap morals
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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